I’ve decided to compile my own citizenship test ; it covers all useful areas of life in the UK: work, socialising, transport, leisure, sport (NOT sex – I’m trying to become British, remember?). I’ve decided not to translate it, because it would take me far too long and I’m not sure the cultural references it contains can actually survive the journey from one language to the other. Answers in the comment box please. Good luck!
1. You’re working in a café and someone asks for marmite on toast. What do you ask?
a. Qu’est-ce que c’est?
b. How thick do you want your Marmite? Marmite is delicious on toast and everyone has their optimum thickness
c. Would you like some mayo with that?
2. Someone offers you a cup of tea; you say:
a. Would it be possible to have a cup of capuccino made of freshly grounded Colombian coffee with a sprinkle of cinnamon instead?
b. Yes please! This is compulsory, unless you’re looking for mortal enemies
c. No thanks, I’ve already had twelve today
3. Someone says to you: "Shame about the rain today." What do you reply?
a. Yes, but I heard tomorrow may be nicer it’s not a legend – they do talk about the weather a lot
b. I think talking about the weather is rather dull
c. Nothing, you’re concentrating on trying not to drown
4. You are at a zebra crossing, wanting to cross the road. A car stops.
a. You stay where you are. It’s probably waiting for you to step into the road to get you.
b. You may now cross. The first time my sister came to visit me in England, I caught her filming cars stopping at a pedestrian crossing
c. You go up to the window and ask the driver if s/he needs help.
5. You just bought a drink in a pub. The lady behind the bar says: "Here is your change, love". You say:
a. I love you too
b. Thank you very much It’s just an expression, she doesn’t really love you
c. This is all a bit sudden
6. You decide to suggest to your new English friends to do something together one evening. Do you suggest:
a. You go out for a meal around 9 pm and head for a pub around 11pm
b. You all eat early and make sure you’re in the pub by 8pm Pubs close at 11pm and clubs at 2am (most of them)
c. You watch the Three Colours trilogy, then wander out at about midnight when things really get going
7. You have a job in a shop. It’s lunch time. You:
a. Serve your customers for the next hour with a Pot Noodle in one hand The two hour lunch break hasn’t crossed the Channel yet
b. Settle in a nearby restaurant with your French friend and order a three-course meal with half a bottle of wine
c. Shut the shop for a couple of hours
8. You are getting off the bus. You:
a. Say thank you to the driver Well, in Brighton anyway
b. Hand your ticket to the person getting on
c. Shout "au revoir" to the people on the bus
9. You are looking after your neighbour’s dog. In the park, he has a poo. You:
a. Congratulate yourself about the timing. It wasn’t in your neighbour’s garden!
b. Make a visibly grand gesture by picking it up with your well-used poop scoop I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone pick up their dog’s poo in France
c. Quickly walk away as soon as he’s done because of the horrid smell/appearance
10. You are in a pub showing England playing versus Germany at football. It is full of English fans. You:
a. Cheer for the Germans every time they touch the ball as their technique delights you
b. Tell the people around you that England hasn’t really had a good team since 1966
c. Share in their blind optimism and believe with all your heart that this time we might just pull it off Their optimism is terribly sweet
11. Someone stamps on your foot.
a. You apologise profusely Even I’ve started doing this!
b. You punch them
c. You say nothing
12. Your new British friend takes you to cricket. After an hour, you:
a. Leave
b. Ask when the game is going to start
c. Go and get a third round of beers and hot dogs Cricket really isn’t boring at all
13. Your flatmate just came home after being mugged. You:
a. Call the police
b. Organise a vigilante search party
c. Put the kettle on and break open the rich tea biscuits Tea really is appropriate for any type of emergency
14. You live in Brighton and are planning to meet a friend in London Victoria at 11am on a Saturday morning. You:
a. Don’t bother checking train times but casually saunter down to the railway station at around 10:30, secure in the knowledge that the British rail service is fast, frequent and reliable
b. Check your timetable. It says the 9:49 will get you there at 10:40. You arrive at the station at 9:30 to make sure you have time to buy your ticket and a coffee
c. Check your timetable. It says the 9:49 will get you there at 10:40. You don’t believe a word of it and call the railway people. They inform you that due to a combination of signal problems in the Three Bridges area and maintenance work, you will have to board a replacement bus the Wednesday before to Littlehampton, where a train will take you to Arundel, where you’ll board another bus to Henley-on-Thames, where a barge will take you to Victoria around 5am on Saturday From personal experience (well, maybe not the barge)
15. You now see yourself as practically British. To you, France is:
a. That place where you can buy cheap booze It really is much cheaper
b. You can’t talk, you’re choked at the simple thought of your homeland
c. A culturally rich country where you spent your formative years